Striking Back

Many times I thought about it only to regret it later. I never even spoke the words out loud and yet I felt so guilty about thinking them. Especially after he told me how sorry he was and how he wouldn't do it again plus he said I was the one that made him do it anyway. So much for striking back. The worst times were when I had been beat so severely that I was in such incredible pain. We had a water bed and I would sit up on the rail or edge part of it and just stare at him as he slept.
He had bandages on his hands sometimes holding ice packs underneath to help with the swelling. This was after I had already been holding ice bags on his knuckles myself. I sat watching him sleep and I held the sobbing in including my breath otherwise I might have screamed. My throat was tight, my chest hurt and my stomach barely moved as my shallow breaths were so painful. The anguish and the pain were devastating and I lived in fear constantly. This was my destiny because I didn't know any better. My life was within these walls where I lived. I had no friends and family was not a part of my life. This is how it was supposed to be. Fear had footsteps that only a victim or survivor will recognize. I still hear them now and then since fear has never really left me. My past including my insecurities still control my destiny. I was afraid to leave and afraid to stay. I was also afraid to be left which was my biggest fear of all so I did what I had to do so that he wouldn't leave me which included giving in to anything and everything he asked of me. Some of which I will never discuss. There would be more beatings and I knew they would come eventually probably sooner than expected. I never did strike back at least not physically. If nothing else I have made my story public allowing others to use my words as their own on their own journey to healing. I honestly don't know where my life will go from here since I feel caught in a rainstorm    without end. Rain helps hide the tears.