Rain

Through multiple veils of rain, I watched wave after wave of rolling hills fade in and out of sight. Sheets of rain change the scenery and I wait with anticipati
on for the next slide........

For the first time I watched it rain in the Hill Country and it was so beautiful. It went from light to heavy then back again. It was a beautiful dance. The last several emails I have received all seem to deal with reminders and how to make them stop. I honestly feel we will not make them stop. It is only our reaction to them that needs to change otherwise we would have control over changing the past and if that were possible my daughter Regina would be alive today. My daily life is like a pinball game with me being the little metal ball never knowing the reminders that I will bump into sometimes consecutively its the same one. For the last couple of months its words that stab into me so deeply that the wounds are fatal. From the famous words of my ex husband "no one will ever love you, look at you just look at you" to "DILLIGAF" meaning "do I look like I give a f..." and the most recent "do you think you own the corner on pain". Bottom line, these words came from people who claimed to have loved me. We do not say these kind of things to people we love. My ex husband and I have never spoken of the abuse and probably never will and not by my choice. My ex bf and I have never spoken since our break up about what caused our break up except for the day it happened on February 4th yet we have had multiple emails of repetition on the subject. If we did he would know that his accusations are false. I would not deny my actions and he could hook me up to a lie detector test with his eyes and his heart and know immediately what is false and what is truth. Reminders are everywhere of good things and bad and we don't need to control remembering them we need to control our reaction to them. When you dance in the rain nobody knows you are crying, that works for me and luckily its been raining quite a bit with no end in sight. It is a beautiful day outside and even if you are inside you can enjoy the serenity of the rain by writing what is in your heart. I'm still waiting for my heart seed to germinate so I can begin using it for my writing. When someone steps on our foot it hurts and we need to say ouch to let them know we are hurt. In other words when we are hurt we react and sometimes how we react (the things we say) are even more hurtful than the initial pain. Stop and think that maybe the reason its taken so long to forget or let go is because we are trying to forget the wrong thing and our heart is trying to point that out to a very stubborn mind. The heart knows best. Wish I had mine back, I could use it right about now. Ok, no I don't want it back it's too weak instead I will wait for my new one. Reminders are sometimes red flags left there as warning signs saying don't let this happen again. I will not allow anyone to ever hurt me again. I have looked back one too many times until I turned to stone and I love this feeling because now I just wait for the rain to wash the bird poop off of me every so often. Yes stone cries in the rain too.