Self

Days spent looking out the window just waiting for something to happen should be spent making it happen. The process of healing begins with ourselves not with others. I can't help you unless I help me first. Setbacks have me beginning this process all over again in so many ways that you can't even imagine unless you have been reading my posts and/or have been a part of my life and are experiencing these circumstances with me. People come and go from our lives sometimes leaving behind hope which will guide us and other times taking it with them when they leave.
I have been worried and taking care of others all my life. Never having focused on my wants or my desires or even the possibilities of never having to stand alone again through my healing. Others have taken my life as their own and then what was left I gave away. Regret is non existent because things were the way they were supposed to be so therefore I never thought about it. When I was sexually assaulted as a child I still ran to the store afterwards to buy cigarettes and beer for him otherwise he would have been upset with me since he was busy or tired. When my ex-husband beat me I placed ice bags on his hands to help with the swelling. When funds were short and food was scarce I gave up mine so my sisters and brothers could eat then later for my children as we found ourselves financially struggling. Time and time again if you look into my past others always have taken president over my own needs or wants. I tell you this now because this was discovered during one of my therapy sessions. My tears, my pain and my past when said out loud helps others heal from their own because it allows them to take ownership. The role of caregiver has always been mine and it is what I have been accustomed to doing all of my life until one day I found someone who took the reins and I had the opportunity to sit back and finally listen to the sound of my own heartbeat. He was amazing and we fit together like the skin on our bodies, perfectly. I had been involved with someone else who had been dealing with personal issues and had told me months before that there was no room for me anymore and I had been removed from the priority list. It was during this time that I met him and gave my heart and soul to him. We were together 24/7 and I loved it. The other person called and left messages and sent emails which were deleted or ignored and sometimes responded to for the sake of being polite. I was concerned over hurting this person even though my new relationship was not a secret. The jealousy and finger pointing bothered me because he was everything I had ever wanted in a man/partner. Still I cared about hurt feelings especially because I was aware of personal circumstances which I kept from him. I pretended to care and pretended to give hope to a lost cause. I was saying these things while moving forward with my life with him.  The decision had been made in my heart that I wanted to spend the rest of my life in his arms. As we got closer the other began to contact me even more and because of personal issues depression had set in and I was stopped in my tracks and began to pay attention again responding to messages with care and false hope. I was worried and concerned yet I was not able to hide my own happiness. My life was full and amazing and soon this situation was frustrating yet I said nothing to him. He learned of my lies and when brought to my attention I denied it. My anger and pain was my own fault. I put others before me once more just repeating what I had done in the past. You have to be able to see past the reflection in your mirror to understand how and why this happened to me. I threw away what could have been because I was afraid to hurt one person and instead hurt three. How can I help others if I cannot help myself first? I am back to square one and am dealing with it on a day to day basis. If I say it doesn't matter anymore I would be a lie. Others will always be there it is ourselves that we lose in the process.