Whispers

They come and go; voices from the past. Reminding us of places that make us sad, happy, angry or hurt. Several times I have mentioned how certain smells, sounds or even movements will take me back in an instant. Last weekend I was startled due to angry voices and fast movements making me want to raise my arm up to protect my face as I did in the past. I wasn't involved yet I still reacted to it and I was rushed out of the situation. It still impacted me for a few days, obviously. My normal reaction is to shut down and not let anyone in which did occur. They are vibrations from the past that continue to exist within us. The vibrations become tremors and other times those tremors become earthquakes. Yet there are welcome vibrations like my daughters laugh or my sons laughter that will submerge me in warmth and tenderness immediately. I can hear them from another room and smile as a result. The sound of the breeze passing thru the leaves is refreshing because each is so unique. Pine trees whistle when the wind blows through them and palm leaves applaud while pecan leaves and oak leaves dance like paino keys yet sound like rain. Rain drops tap dancing on the water is one of my favorite sounds aside from my children. If you know me you know my relationship with rain is beyond this mortal world as is my relationship with the ocean. Desire expressed in words of familiarity as it used to be is also so refreshing like the cool breeze of the hill country and the sounds of familiar footsteps on the boardwalk leading into the Fishing Cabin.

Something in the Air

Not sure what it is I just know I am not here. My mind is preoccupied with thin lines.

Day of the Dead

The people who have died at the hands of their abuser are honored this day. Yes we remember loved ones because they are a part of us yet we forget about the silent witness because it doesn't involve us and it didn't make the news.

Decisions

It is amazing what happens when you make a decision that you have been playing with for awhile then suddenly it happens and the feeling just feels so right. I am selling my house in San Antonio and I am looking forward to it. It feels great.

Conversations

Last night I had an interesting conversation with my wonderful friend. She and I are both standing at the edge of the cliff with one foot slightly off still asking why. I had a very difficult time sleeping last night, had I known it was raining during the night it would have been comforting. I tossed and turned for a long time and finally I lay my head on the arm of peace, love and poetry and fell asleep saying to myself it was a great place to be even if death consumed me, especially if it did. Such simple thoughts felt across the hills as if the earth shook. When I awoke this morning I heard the thunder roll and let the gods take my picture as the lightning flashed through my window. Those shy devils.

New Mexico Sky

This mornings sky made me think of New Mexico. The sky over Sandia Peak covered it like an umbrella with it's purple and pink hues. Kaleidescope window of love reflected from the glass bottle containing true, raw, uninhibited love which will never again exist in this lifetime.

I'm Sorry

The weight of these words is amazing. I have learned recently how powerful those words are when you hear the sincerity of them. I have heard these words three times in my lifetime, no, make that twice.

Last Night

I saw my therapist yesterday and he was pleased with the decisions I have made for myself lately which is mainly to keep all negative people away from me regardless of who they are and the consequences of my decision benefit one person, me.

Abuse is Abuse

DOUBLE EDGED SWORD

Here we go again

The ranting of an abused woman

Formerly, abused woman

A survivor who still remembers

Still revisits

As if it were yesterday

Daggers explore the inside of my head

Ripping the scabs off the wounds

My fuel soaked mind

Lights up with a flick of his tongue

His words continue my demise

It was only yesterday

Tears creviced my face

Leaving behind ruts of shame

It was only yesterday

I heard you say it again

It was only physical

The abuse

It was only physical

It could have been worse

It could have been mental

It could have been emotional

But, it was only physical

Ignorance displays its opinion

Without truth, without knowledge

Physical abuse is the end

Not the beginning

The end result of mental and emotional abuse

Is the impact of a fist

Never have compared the pain

They both bled the same

It knows no boundaries

The tongue strikes like a sword

Leaving behind

The carcass of the person

I used to be

To make an exclamation point

The tongue is a double edged sword

Cutting both ways while coming and going

Reducing its prey to nothing

Leaving behind an empty shell

Permanent scars, permanent bruising

With the impact of a fist

Putting me in my place

A strike of a foot

Kicking the life out of love

When the raging river of words come out

There is nothing left to say

Nothing left of me but skin

I will remember your words

It could have been worse

Withdrawn

This month is normally my busiest yet I have chosen to hide away making myself unreachable. Still I focus on today, what's in front of me and nothing more.

Abuse

The word is double edged and there are people out there who will strip you out of your own skin with their words, if you let them. Tonight the words were flowing towards me like arrows attempting to pierce my flesh.

Foolish Pride

It's a simple question that was asked and the answer is quite simple as well. Why do they feel better if you say "it's all my fault not yours"?

poetry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQuG_sfxVhE

New Venue

Poetry Night (open mic) every 4th Monday at The Gallery Pizzeria & Coffee House at 1405 FM 2673 (Sattler) Canyon Lake, TX. 78133; hosted by Josie Mixon.

 

Come enjoy the art, the food and make new friends. For more information call The Gallery at 830-964-6467 or Josie Mixon at gdmrngbtful@yahoo.com.

 

 

Grow Up!

I can't help but wonder if mother earth hurts when she is cut open. It is a selfish thought because if she hadn't been trampled through for the sake of creating highways and other passages I wouldn't have the pleasure of soaking in the thin lines that surround me. Her flesh surrounds me as I drive through these massive hills of limestone and other formations. Can't help the spontaneous thoughts that bring me here.

Rain

Morning

It was dark and quite foggy and I followed the lights in front of me as my knight in shining armor led the way then off he disappeared into reality. There is so much time for thinking and I take advantage of it. My mind has been consumed by my November date with destiny and I look forward to seeing it in my rearview mirror that is if it does happen. I hear it could possibly be rescheduled. My future is on hold until that second when I fall deeper into the abyss or get swallowed up by a thin line. It's one or the other with no options in between. Either way, my bags are packed and my one way ticket is bought and paid for and my umbrella is in the trash so let the rains come.

Surviving

We have all survived our past and live on to survive more. That which didn't kill me made me stronger throughout my life. Then came us.

TE DIJE

Fue una noche de amor

Cuando la luz

De la lumbre de tu alma

Me abrazo

Nomas entrando

Adentro de tus brazos

Me perdí

Dentro tus ojos

La cobija

Sobre el piso

Nos esperaba

Tres velas, la trinidad

Tú, yo y nosotros

Era el velo

Sobre la lumbre

Que nos encendía

El corazón

Te dije mi amor

Te amo

Y tú a mí

Lagrimas de conocer

Que no hay nadie más

Que puedo querer

Más de lo que te quiero

A ti

Esta noche

Todo mi poder se fue

Dejándome

Con mi corazón en la mano

Y te dije que si

Un día

Yo quiero hacer

Nada más

Que tuya

Como novios

Unidos

En matrimonio

Te dije

Que si

Justify

DOUBLE EDGED SWORD

Here we go again

The ranting of an abused woman

Formerly, abused woman

A survivor who still remembers

Still revisits

As if it were yesterday

Daggers explore the inside of my head

Ripping the scabs off the wounds

My fuel soaked mind

Lights up with a flick of his tongue

His words continue my demise

It was only yesterday

Tears creviced my face

Leaving behind ruts of shame

It was only yesterday

I heard you say it again

It was only physical

The abuse

It was only physical

It could have been worse

It could have been mental

It could have been emotional

But, it was only physical

Ignorance displays its opinion

Without truth, without knowledge

Physical abuse is the end

Not the beginning

The end result of mental and emotional abuse

Is the impact of a fist

Never have compared the pain

They both bled the same

It knows no boundaries

The tongue strikes like a sword

Leaving behind

The carcass of the person

I used to be

To make an exclamation point

The tongue is a double edged sword

Cutting both ways while coming and going

Reducing its prey to nothing

Leaving behind an empty shell

Permanent scars, permanent bruising

With the impact of a fist

Putting me in my place

A strike of a foot

Kicking the life out of love

When the raging river of words come out

There is nothing left to say

Nothing left of me but skin

I will remember your words

It could have been worse

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

DRIVEN

When I die

I want to see my bones

Leaned up against rock walls

Alongside every highway

Still holding

That settling bottle of brew

Dangling earrings

In the spirit of my long, curly hair

Surrounded by tumbleweeds

Who lost their place in time

Facing purple

New Mexico sunsets

From every direction

Jimmy Hendrix “Angel”

Playing in the background

Intoxicating smell of open fire

Keeping me warm by moonlight

On those cold, dark winter nights

I want to feel raindrops

Tap dancing on my hollow bones

Still listening to the music in the wind

Between the shadows of falling leaves

Of pine, oak and pecan

In my other

Bony hand

Sits a list of names

Of every abuser in existence

With some of the names, crossed out

The taste of redemption will be my aura

My guilt, will no longer, anchor me down

Rock walls holding up my bones

Bottle of brew in one hand

List of abusers in the other

Wearing nothing but the aura

Of redemption

And a pointy pair

Of kickass boots

My Heart

It fades into the horizon as I stand on the shore watching it through the misty fog while listening to this beautiful song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpLMa9rkN4g.

Student is killed this weekend

This weekend a student who graduated from Trinity last year was killed. Kayla was a poet and a very very sweet girl. She had a brother who was killed in 2004. OMG this is so, so difficult. I just learned this news ten minutes ago.

Mirror

I am so fat now that I am embarrassed to be seen. I take my medication to keep myself from being depressed yet being so heavy now is making me feel so bad. Tonight I was supposed to go participate in things where I would be in public and I can't because I am feeling so ugly. I am walking again and I know I won't see any results anytime soon I am just so frustrated. I wish the darkness would liberate me. Maybe I should start weaning myself off the meds so I won't depend on them anymore. I won't stop them immediately because I have tried that before and it didn't go well. I will let you know how it goes. My self esteem was already down so I guess misery loves company.

Weekend

I was lost this weekend, by choice. It was as if I blindfolded myself and walked through the woods in the Hill Country in complete darkness. Perhaps not blindfolded because I was swallowed up by the starry skies. I love the way the hills look in darkness.

What if?

I have several email accounts at least six that I can think of at the top of my head and sometimes I forget to check them all. I get some questions and comments that I ignore when it comes to the striking of a nerve. We have all had a nerve struck before and sometimes our response isn't what it should be because we don't think it through as we should.