Earthquake

Dream Wife with Cary Grant, awwwwww if only. Oh well at least I have my cast iron pan and the flavorful memories embedded within it's character.

Control

I have lost it today. I can't think straight and I feel so angry and so hurt. I feel like my mother is reaching from beyond the grave and this really angers me. My son called and said he is diabetic. Damn'it! I told him he can control this.........My brother is 48 years old and will be 49 in December and he is experiencing renal failure...and dialysis is inevitable I want to fix this I want it to be me and not them!!!! Please let it be me instead.....

Striking Back

Many times I thought about it only to regret it later. I never even spoke the words out loud and yet I felt so guilty about thinking them. Especially after he told me how sorry he was and how he wouldn't do it again plus he said I was the one that made him do it anyway. So much for striking back. The worst times were when I had been beat so severely that I was in such incredible pain. We had a water bed and I would sit up on the rail or edge part of it and just stare at him as he slept.

Morning

What a beautiful poetic morning. I wish I were at home so I could write today. It is a spontaneous kind of day so beware I may do something crazy. Oh never mind I already did. One of my favorite spontaneous things I have ever done was walking into a swimming pool completely clothed. There were two of us and since I don't know how to swim I had to get a piggy back ride across the pool and it was fantastic. I woke up thinking about that and it made me smile all over. It is those moments that make life special and I look forward to reliving my past even if it's only in my thoughts and dreams.

Cabernet

My son has high blood pressure which doesn't surprise me. Hopefully he won't be on meds long and will be able to get off of them soon. He is the one I was pregnant with at 13 yo; I have only known him a couple of years and  yet I have loved him all his life.

Wings

I flew too close to the sun and wondered why I didn't just fly into it instead. Yes it's been one of those days. I took my meds and I don't think they make meds strong enough to hold me up, I told you I am pretty heavy now. Today I spoke with my youngest sister and she told me my older brother is having health issues which I already knew about except now they are getting worse. Long story short, my kidney is being offered as a sacrifice to the body part god. I was thinking that I am running out of body parts since my gall bladder is gone, appendix, uterus, one ovary, heart, brain (partially) and I'm sure my liver isn't in very good shape. Oh well if I'm a good match which I see no problem with I will be able to help my brother. My oldest son is having health issues too and I am waiting to hear back from him. I feel the numbness calling out to me today. I need it. Maybe when the numbness strikes me I will log back on and pour my heart out. I will go join the buzzing bees for now. Plus I do have a couple of emails to respond to on my next post.

Truth

There's no such thing as a good lie. Truth is sometimes painful yet always necessary. Pain makes us react in ways that are false and sometimes deadly. Many of you who read my posts and respond with your emailed questions or comments are appreciated because sometimes you point things out to me that I had clearly not thought of or just didn't capture in my posts.

weekend

It's been a beautiful weekend. I have inhaled the sweetness of the hill country from Passion Flowers growing on a fence line to the buzzing of bees as they enjoy the nectar from the landscape. The scent of cedar trees is such a familiar aroma corresponding with the nearby roar of iron horses. Wine tasting along with the sweetness of the memories has accented the dreams I had last night. The sadness of the dreams has been constantly on my mind an invitation to numb myself to sleep while living in the solitude and memories of the scents of the weekend. I am motivated to continue on this journey of solitaire.

Restless

I was restless last night. Listening to the silence made me sad and anxious and I gave into it. I dropped a  speck of what I needed into the void ten times the size of the Grand Canyon only making the void larger. My thoughts consume me and I feel myself reaching out into the space between earth and sky. This weekend I will nourish my soul within the hills that hold the presence of yesterday. 

Sexual Abuse

It didn't feel like abuse. I have heard several people make that statement. The body has a natural way of reacting to human touch regardless of who is doing the touching. It is a reaction that is supposed to happen. Many victims feel guilty about feeling pleasure so therefore will deny or simply never admit having been abused. If you are or were not an adult when you were being touched it's abuse. Some will even accuse the victim of asking for it because he or she is promiscuous. Regardless it is still abuse. It may be a relative within the household which makes the victim feel scared and yet protective at the same time. None of us want our family members in trouble. My abuser was a relative, a cousin who was very close to the family. I grew up in what used to be a small town and it wasn't uncommon to see relatives walking in and out of houses at all hours of the night and day as well. I spent all my life feeling ashamed of myself for what happened to me. I had not realized it was abuse. I confronted my abuser last year and it was very difficult for me because I was alone, except for someone I was seeing at the time who truly held me from afar and gave me the emotional strength to go through with it. Unfortunately I was blinded by hope, still he was there when I needed him most even though it was only a mental thing for me because he was preoccupied at the time and it had nothing to do with me. Which proves we are as strong as we want to be when push comes to shove. There is no shame in being a victim; there is shame in being an abuser and also in protecting one as well.

Last Night

I am happy to report the venue at La Cantera was great. We had a good crowd and the poetry was fantastic. I had not read in a long time as a feature and it felt good to do it again. I read poetry from different stages in my life including a bit of humorous work about growing up in the valley.

Self Esteem

I hate my body! I hate the way I look and the way I feel. I have gained weight with the medication I am on now and normally I walk everyday during my lunch break but with the weather being so hot I stopped. Well it's time to start again. The only good thing that came out of my depression was weightloss although it had more to do with not having an appetite and now I do. I went from eating like a queen because I was well taken care of actually I should say we were well taken care of since we cooked for each other and each others family. Then came the depression and the weightloss. I have tried taking myself off the meds and it hasn't worked out very well so in the meantime or who knows for how long I will continue to take my medication and continue to deal with my weight issues. I do look awful and as much as I like wearing tight pants I don't like it when my pants are crying and screaming and begging for mercy. Tonight I will stand before my friends (other poets) and feel embarrassed and ashamed of how I look so hopefully my voice and the anguish in my voice will distract from the monster I have become. I realize the only person who can fix it is me and I intend to do so. I won't diet, never have and never will so I will go back to hiking in the woods and making my own paths and walking on the beach and in the neighborhood where I work. It's all up to me, I will keep you posted. I will not fail.

Brief, Direct Response

Yes I do, completely, tremendously and forever and a day after.

Every day and every night.

Wednesday Sept 22

This is the date of our (Voices de la Luna) new venue at Barnes & Noble at La Cantera. I haven't read much these past several months so this is not just a debut for the new venue but also for myself. Time has changed me and it will be reflected in my poetry as I read on Wednesday. Please join us for a fabulous evening of poetry. We have a poetry workshop beginning at 6pm with Jim Brandenburg and I believe I will be featured at 7pm followed by open mic. Email me if you have any questions.

Today, In Response

Normally I would wait to respond to emails until the end of the day, not today. First of all no, I would not go back. Even if Zeus himself came down and opened his eyes to reality showing him he has misjudged me and would look me in the eyes to realize the truth.

Rain

Through multiple veils of rain, I watched wave after wave of rolling hills fade in and out of sight. Sheets of rain change the scenery and I wait with anticipati

Autumn Mornings

Between the lines are written words weighing a ton per letter. If you know me then my excitement of love letters, rain, rocks, mountains, rainbows, flowers and the sea are of no surprise to you. I call these things that I love thin lines, like the horizons that catch our eyes when we are captured by something beautiful. I have found a place to nestle into within a thin line that I am soon to call home and I will be rewarded with an epitaph of serenity. A place will fill the void left by pain. We all need to find that which will make us whole again regardless of how long it will take. Shadows of my past will always hover over me and I will continue to be mesmerized by the thin lines that warm my soul. I am going to attempt to grow a new heart from a seed that will germinate into a suit of armor wrapped around a heart of unbreakable stone. Today I fight the urge to make poor decisions based on this excruciating pain that lingers past eternity. We all suffer from this in our own way and remedy it in our own way as well.

Goodnight

Therapy

I met with my therapist tonight. I cried with him and he looked at my face as I cried. It is a safe haven for me where I can be myself and actually put down my weapons and allow someone to get close to me, spiritually. The rest of the time I am scared and vulnerable and keep most people at arms length. Tonight I spoke of my death which happened a few months ago when I totaled my truck. It was a life changing experience and if you have been close to me you know it was a slow yet necessary death. My identity went with my truck plus several other critical parts of my being.

Reminders

They are everywhere and there is nothing that can be done to stop them. Within an instance we are taken back to that place or feeling. If I said it goes away it would be a lie instead I will tell you that it does make us stronger especially when we can identify it. In my second book "Of Flesh and Bone I am Woman Surviving Abuse" I included a poem written about the man (relative) who sexually abused me as a child. I was pregnant with his baby at 13years old. After you read it let me know if you have questions; my life is an open book and I have nothing to lose.

Vibrations

Anything can set me off when I am down and feeling sorry for myself and other times it happens unexpectedly. Then there are those places that send vibrations through me which regardless of my current mental status will still conquer me. Driving home as I watch the slow waltz of the lake while driving by brings tears to my eyes. I even changed my route and tried driving around the other side and still tears flow down my face.

Self

Days spent looking out the window just waiting for something to happen should be spent making it happen. The process of healing begins with ourselves not with others. I can't help you unless I help me first. Setbacks have me beginning this process all over again in so many ways that you can't even imagine unless you have been reading my posts and/or have been a part of my life and are experiencing these circumstances with me. People come and go from our lives sometimes leaving behind hope which will guide us and other times taking it with them when they leave.

A Very Long Pier

The boardwalk grows beneath my feet. For every step I take toward the unknown another board resembling the one I just stepped off of appears. The character marks resemble the first and I can't seem to step off to a new one. I scream outloud that time has moved me to the next level when I know in my heart that it isn't true. Time escorts me in circles rather than forward. I relive my past within an instant between the seconds of time. Certain sounds and certain scents are etched so deep into me that there is no escaping. I think at times I do not want to escape. How else am I supposed to help others learn to deal with the pain if I am to be dismissed. The pain is mine to keep and nobody else will taste it just me. I describe it in detail within the folds of my poetry exposing only what I want you to know. There is one who has been the keeper of my heart and knows the depth of my pain regardless of letting go. Here again, round and round we go within this bottomless pit of pain, heartache and confusion. Why can't we move past the pain? Why can't we just let it go and go on? Feeling good momentarily feels like a malfunction and abnormal. I am used to the pain and am lost without it. I don't even have to close my eyes to feel the inpact of the crutch that was shoved into my stomach. The train passed by with its heaviness obstructing my breathing as he did when I was a child and the weight of his manhood lay on me obstructing my youth. Fear and insecurity is as normal to me as breathing because everyone who ever claimed to love me has hurt me. Nothing has changed but time and the boardwalk grows beneath my feet. I now stand in the middle of the ocean wanting and waiting for it to end. There is no landing in sight since the beginning is now the end. Forever is between the alpha and omega of love. If my heart cries and screams at the bottom of the ocean from the belly of Aquarius the only one who hears it or feels it is my Aquarius. Like no other. We relive the past to remember what it is that brought us here. Our anger is from frustration with each other and with ourselves because we see what could have been. The truth is the tightness that is felt between the raindrops when it reminds you of me. Pain is an instrument to the focus of my energy. Let my pain soothe yours. I will gladly hurt for you so that you won't have to.

Vigorous Calm

I have good news to share with you. I received news that one of my manuscripts "Vigorous Calm" has been accepted for publication by Pecan Grove Press. This will be my first collection of poetry that is not related to promoting awareness instead it is poetry of place including poems written about places here in San Antonio. I will keep you updated.

Limits

Today I have defaulted back to protective mode. Accusations run wild in this game of life that is played and I do not want to play. My white flag has been on the ground for months now. I know my crimes and I know my faults and I will not by any means pretend like I don't have any for the sake of making myself feel better. I too was so busy giving my everything including my heart, my home, my children, my family and my time to one person and the one I strung along got nothing, absolutely nothing. Today I stand accused of having committed worse crimes. I have punished myself and my family enough and will not do this anymore. This time I am not devastated as before, yes I have cried for the last two days not out of sadness out of anger instead. I have been walking away for awhile now and now it is time to run. As soon as I am able and get part of my life back that I have been missing all the puzzle pieces will be joined and the result will be amazing. It's time to hit the road. 10/4