Cabernet

My son has high blood pressure which doesn't surprise me. Hopefully he won't be on meds long and will be able to get off of them soon. He is the one I was pregnant with at 13 yo; I have only known him a couple of years and  yet I have loved him all his life.


I was outside looking into the starry sky. It reminded me of the sky in New Ulm where I was embraced by a constellation.

Lately the emails I am getting all seem to fit together like a puzzle. They are all from survivors of both sexual abuse and/or domestic violence. Each one of us feels the exact same way. We will never be good enough, we will never be loved and the next person who claims to love is will hurt us too. When is this going to end??? Everyone asks the same question. It will end when we want it to end. Nobody can make that decision for us. We remember these things because as I said before they are reminders for us. If you are involved with someone who reminds you of your abuser consider it a sign, a signal or a red flag warning you. I have been called a man hater before because I said this and I do not consider myself a man hater. I am cautious because of my experiences with abuse. I have been married twice and since my last marriage I had not had a relationship with a man. It had been five years and I can assure you that I was very skeptical in the beginning because I was worried and scared about being with another man. This is going to sound strange yet it is true and my ex bf can probably vouch for this, I looked at his hands and admired them constantly. The look and feel of his hands told me so much about him and the kind of man he is or was as we were becoming involved. He did not have the hands or eyes of an abuser. There was a comfort in each others eyes from the start and his hands confirmed what his eyes were saying. The cycle does end if we allow ourselves to be loved and the right one will show his or her heart when the time is right. It is a good thing for us to be suspicious we have no choice survivor or not. What we do with it once we have it will mean all the difference in the world so once you find the right person don't ever let go. Take care of him or her as he or she will take care of you. Otherwise you will live with regret and pain for the rest of your life. Wait, it will be worth it and most of all, listen to your heart.