Betrayed

He's gone, dead, deceased yet not forgotten. He whom I spoke of in this blog so many times has passed away. Yes, my ex-boyfriend is gone. He was killed in a motor cycle accident on June 17th; he wasn't wearing his helmet. We spoke that same week and he had said he was feeling confused regarding "us" and didn't know what to do. I told him I would make it easy for him and told him I would not return to him. I do not regret telling him the truth and I left no words left unsaid to him nor to you. The betrayal was when he chose to not wear a helmet and left behind four children who loved him very much. His dreams and goals were left in the wind and within my grasp. We shared peace, love and poetry and it all gathered within our thoughts. Our goals were interchangeable as were our dreams. Leave no words left unsaid.

Knee Deep

I have been so focused on my business lately that I am not letting anything distract me for fear I may lose momentum.

words

I just arrived home from my reading which went very well.

Reading

This is one of the poems that I intend to read tonight. It is a summary of my childhood. How could someone who has claimed to love beyond existence so easily reach out and intentionally hurt the person he/she claims to love? How do you ask for forgiveness without the tail between your legs getting in the way

The strength is found in the love itself and not in the love of self, instead in the love of each other.

EMPTY

Off the banks of time

Sit memories of broken years

Listed under emotionless scars

Unable to summon the coldness of the summer

When time stood still across empty school yards

Flower pots recall the heavy scent of broadleaf geraniums

While railroad tracks memorize my empty steps

Many nights were spent waiting for the sunrise

Surrounded by the twinkling stars of fireflies

Porch still smelled like fresh picked tomatoes

Which now sit next to the red potatoes picked the day before

Hot, South Texas Wind fed into the open windows of my grandmother’s house

The house was empty except for the furniture and the people who lived in it

Compromised promises were the steps leading into the house

A fault line scarred myself in two

A single candle bearing the open armed icon sat waiting in darkness

for my mother’s return

Church bells slept all through the night

Otherwise they would have woken the dead

A lonely traffic light yawned between flashes of color

Tired of waiting for my mother

Straight lines of the mesquite bark tread my bare feet

As I climb my way up on the backs of mothers childhood memories

As she once climbed the same tree

My neighborhood slept, except for the wailing of the legend, of the hollering woman

With colors of the sunrise perched on my shoulder I waited

Until I heard the tired rumble of the engine of my mother’s car

Like a cat I pounced into dawn

Slipped into my bed before she quieted the sputtering car

Blinded my the darkness she did not see my eyes following her presence in the room

She moved from one bed to the other

From one sister to the other followed by my brother

If she had only listened she would have clearly heard the pounding of my heart

The house was empty except for the furniture and the people who lived in it

Expectations

I was planning to prepare for my reading for tomorrow night and instead worked on jewelry. I had a few orders to fill and I was able to get them all done.

Missing

It was a great weekend and I am happy to say I was able to get several things accomplished. I didn't get to see my father this weekend but we are hoping that next weekend we will barbque and make up for lost time.

Tuesday at La Cantera

 

 

Dear Literates: Please come to and enjoy the Poetry & Music at B & N at The Shops of La Cantera on Tuesday 21 June:

 

Mo H Saidi, MD, ALM
Managing Editor
Voices de la Luna: A Quarterly Poetry & Arts Magazine
www.voicesdelaluna.com
P.S. Subscribe to Voices de la Luna: A Quarterly Poetry & Arts Magazine

Love

I have spent about two days upset about my friend Carolyn who has been undergoing chemotherapy for her illness five times a week.

Venue

We had a great poetry venue tonight and shared some wonderful poetry. My dear friend Carolyn was missed and frankly I am worried. I have called her several times today and she has not answered. She should already be home from the hospital. I am supposed to go visit her tomorrow evening so hopefully I will hear from her soon. I am crawling back into my space. I am tired of being the center of LOL by someone who lies without a thought. It just comes naturally.

Saturday in Austin!!

This Saturday is the annual Men Rally for Change March and Festival.
Hosted by SafePlace, $2 Shows, with support from many other local
organizations.

Men Rally For Change is a collaboration of men, women, and youth who speak
out against sexual and domestic violence, sexism, homophobia, racism and
all other forms of oppression. We promote safe communities and healthy
relationships through dialogue, action and accountability.

Saturday, June 18th, 2011

4pm
Meet at Austin City Hall and March to MACC
Bring signs, drums and noise-makers, some signs and water will be provided.

5-9pm
Music, Art, and Educational Festival Celebrating Fatherhood.
Mexican American Cultural Center, 600 River St, ATX 78701

Musical Performances by:
Sorne
Cause in Effect
Broken Harps
Rich Restaino & the Obits
DJ Rockwell 9000
Minds of A Different Kind

Hosted by the original P.U.B.L.I.C. O.F.F.E.N.D.E.R.S.

Also enjoy art and food venders, children’s activities, and connect with
many local nonprofits.

Welcomed donation: bring a pack of diapers (size 2-6) or any other new
baby related item such as wipes, lotions and powders, to benefit SafePlace
client families.

Family & pet friendly! Help us spread the word.

http://www.menrallyforchange.com/
http://www.twodollarshows.com/
http://www.safeplace.org/
http://www.mensnonviolence.org/

Open Mic Poetry

Good Day My Fellow Poets and supporters of poetry!!!

It's hot......Do you think if we read poetry about rain it will rain? If so then somebody needs to stop reading poems about fire, heat and sun. Although since I have my writing lung back now it just might be me. 

Tonight we do not have a featured guest which is to the advantage of anyone who wants to sign up for five minutes. We will begin with our fabulous poetry workshop at 6:00pm with Jim Brandenburg followed by open mic at 7:00 with Josie Mixon (me). I will be there and I intend to keep open mic running until 8:30. You do not have to sign up for five minutes so come on over and share your beautiful voice with us. If our die hard poets want to continue until closing please feel free to do so just don't be surprised if our B&N hosts have you helping them to clean up. 

For those of you who sometimes forget to bring your poetry to the poetry venue (huh ) don't forget!!!!   

Please note that Voices De La Luna will soon be out with the next edition of our wonderful magazine. It would make a great Father's Day present for the poetry lover!!!

On a personal note I would like to add a special message to our friend Carolyn Sanchez who has been a bit on the downside lately due to health reasons. As many of you know and feel as I do we are a family who share an extraordinary talent which is the ability to communicate through poetry. We speak our minds and pour our hearts out and on this night I would like to dedicate open mic to Carolyn Sanchez. I have openly copied all of you so that Carolyn will have access to your email addresses and you to hers. Carolyn my dear friend, you have my heart. I love you and miss you very much. Kick that cancer in the ass asap and come on back to us! Keep on writing!

Regret

We usually regret things that we do which affect us and not the people around us.

Weekend

It was such a fabulous, relaxing weekend. I was able to get some writing done while planning some events which I will post here as soon as I have everything confirmed.

Feature

It's been a long time since I have been featured at a poetry event.

One Sided

Why is it so hard for some people to believe, realize or understand that they are not the only ones going through something.

Seize the Day

Today I spoke as if I were a god or someone of direct knowledge or royalty to existence.

Writing Conference New Mexico

Such a powerful trip for me. Since I made the decision to go to New Mexico everything just fell into place.

Respect

I have never wanted to feel like I have in the past as a victim of abuse.

Writing

I think I finally have my groove back. Wow, sounds pretty old school which I am.

blinders off

It took a long time for me to realize the one sided relationship I have had in the past. I have been treated like a leper and in may ways as if I were a whore. I wouldn't treat my dog the way I have been treated and when the tables turn it is insinuated that maybe I have been drinking or that something has happened to cause this. Yes, something happened and eventually it happens to all survivors; we open our eyes and we stand up for ourselves and start giving back that which we did not ask for. I am not property nor will I ever be.

Case Sensitive

What a fabulous weekend!

Tripping Out

I have had so many thoughts lately.

I'm sick

I don't think it is an excuse for how I feel emotionally. It's just a cold for heavens sake.

Opportunity

Help end the cycle of violence. Get involved.
http://pep.si/g9W4TN

Justice

What is justice?

Writers

Writers are placed in categories.

Time

It's time for another camping trip. It will be one of those spontaneous ones without a map or thought involved. Wanna get away? Yes I do. I don't like feeling like this. I don't want to feel as if I am nothing and be placed on the same list or the same category as a men's magazine. All it does to me is take me back to my childhood and I can remember watching my cousin walking across the street to his house still buttoning his pants and buckling his belt. It is disturbing and painful to know that this is all I have ever meant to anyone. In so many ways I guess I deserve it and that doesn't mean I want it. Time is useless if all it does is serve as a reminder of who or what I am in the eyes of the one who looks back at me.

Insensitive

So many of us can be so cruel and insensitive about the simplest things.

Trip

I am looking forward to going to New Mexico so much.

What If

The results would probably be deadly.

Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Rises Nationwide for Third Year While Economy Struggles; Government Budget Cuts Take Toll on Survivors and Shelters 

Domestic violence shelters throughout the United States report the economy continues to significantly affect women -- with domestic violence increasing for the third straight year and government cutbacks decreasing shelters' ability to help survivors.  In addition to domestic violence incidents growing and funding sources diminishing, the abuse is reportedly more severe, victims are struggling to find jobs and shelters expect the situation will only get worse in light of the economy -- according to the third "Mary Kay Truth About Abuse" national survey.

More than 670 domestic violence shelters across the country were surveyed in March 2011.  Shelters report the economy's decline since 2008 has increased demand for their services, and they also note their shelters' ability to raise funds and provide services will be hampered over the next 12 months.

Detailed findings from the 2011 "Mary Kay Truth About Abuse" survey reveal alarming trends in light of the economy's decline since 2008, including:

• 80 percent of domestic violence shelters nationwide (more than three out of four) report an increase in women seeking assistance from abuse.
• 73 percent of shelters attribute the rise in abuse to financial issues.
• 48 percent of shelters link this increase in domestic violence to job loss.
• 89 percent of domestic violence shelters expect their overall situation during the next 12 months will be worse than now, or the same as now, due to the economy.
• 76 percent of domestic violence shelters (three out of four) indicate their funding has decreased the most from governmental organizations.
• 65 percent of women in shelters can't find employment due to the economy.
• 56 percent of shelters note the abuse is more violent now than before the economic downturn.
• 77 percent of shelters (more than three-fourths) indicate their clients stayed longer in their relationships due to the economy.

Plain Sight

I don't really know who or what I was hiding from but I did it for six months.

Forgiven

I always have felt this word is used blindly.

Identify Abuse

I hate phrases and words like "it wasn't really abuse". Read the following which I copied off the Internet. They are not my words.

Past

A part of me wishes I could erase the past and yet so many things and experiences would be omitted just by changing one thing.

It Matters

Last night I looked at myself through different eyes. The ones I wore over a year ago and the image before me was horrific. Since my nervous breakdown I have been dealing with the depression and it seems I have been in hibernation. I have cared about nothing and nobody except for my immediate family. I went to work because I had to and paid attention to nothing else. Soon I began feeling the need to hide under the folds of the hills so I fled to the Texas Hill Country. I made myself feel good on the inside by satisfying my desire. I stare into everything by looking at the beautiful full curves of the Hill Country.

Doctora ANA

I have just signed a contract with Dr. Anna Nogales to be her official blogger for her new magazine.

Depression

I have made a decision (with doctors approval).

Saving

Saving changes. I thought about this today as I was getting ready to close the spreadsheet I was working on.

Other

This is Sexual Abuse Awareness Month and I have not participated in any events. I believe I have fallen backwards in regards to this issue and I see no hope in sight.

Untitled

I am excited because another store will be carrying my jewelry soon in Sattler (New Braunfels) Texas.

New Mexico

It's been awhile since I have written about one of my favorite places. Well the time has come to bathe in the the spirit of purple sunsets. Departure coming soon. I will know more tomorrow and will post information as it becomes available.

It is part of the healing as I give in to the desire of my soul. We know we are healing when the soul has packed its bags before you do.

Surrender

There are days when I feel more defeated than others. The right thing to do always feels better when I feel good about myself.

Art's Room

My son Art came to see me this weekend and it has been wonderful spending time with him. I feel as if we have known each other all our lives.

Defense

It is a defense mechanism that often snaps back when I am in protective mode which seems to be on all the time.

Rejection

Not today. Just not in the mood to reject myself.

Create

It is rewarding to create. Both writing poetry and creating jewelry are extensions of my healing. I have setbacks which will re-open wounds that I had hoped were gone.

Friend/Sister

She was with me tonight. My best friend of over 25 years. We held each other and applied ice on each others wounds so many years ago. Even cried together until we laughed. She is the reason I have a voice and speak for those who can't or won't. Tonight she brought me a gift which is so significant to our lives as friends and sisters. The bracelet below was one of the gifts and the other was a shawl symbolizing the same thing. It had the awareness logo on it too. She means the world to me and is as constant in my life as my children. This is love.

Remembering

I went for so long without purpose, without any reason for my existence that when I finally had an image of my own it felt unusual.

Maybe

This feels as if I am no longer a survivor of sexual abuse because I was never a victim. I did not realize how much I leaned on the Rape Crisis Center. It was rape because Danielle too saw it as rape. I still have her DVD "Until the Violence Stops" which is a documentary of survivors of sexual and domestic abuse. She said for me to hang on to it and hopefully I can give it to her later under a different umbrella.

Unknown

I'm not quite sure how to take this or how I should feel. That's the problem with those of us who are not mentally stable when something in our environment changes we don't know how to feel. Routine always feels better because we know what is coming next.

Clarity

It is difficult to visualize a place without darkness or deception when it is all you know. I find myself slowly returning to a place where I am comfortable speaking my mind rather than hiding behind pride.

Change

Nobody likes change. We have fear of the unknown and we do not like feeling uncomfortable.

Discrimination

It changes on a day to day basis. I mean my level of survival. If I don't think about those things that bring me down I am OK.

Remember

I had a very adventurous weekend. I participated in the 5k run/walk and enjoyed it very much. I walked with my friend James Munoz from KENS and a couple of his friends. We had a chance to visit and made plans to do this again. All I know is that I better get in shape before the next one.

Walk the Walk

I walked! Woohoo! OMG I am so out of shape! Not a problem I will work on this.

Tomorrow

Just a reminder that we have a 5k walk/run tomorrow starting at 8:00am. We will meet at Brackenridge Park at the pavillion. I will be the one out of breath. Hope to see you there.

On another note; stay tuned for information the the grand opening of my new store............I'm so excited and I just can't hide it......sorry, well you get the picture. More news coming soon! Have a fabulous weekend!

Listen

People don't listen. Including myself. I will nod or agree to something I am not listening to only responding. My daughter catches me doing it all the time.

Permission

Last night I spent the evening with my beautiful daughter. We did some shopping then picked up some dinner and went and ate at home. While we were sitting there she reached over and picked up a small white box and opened it and reached over and handed me one of the most touching gifts I have ever received.

Open Sky

On my way to work this morning I was mesmerized by the beautiful sky. Even though it was a grey sky it had some bluish hues in it. It reminded me of the smaller windows of the church I grew up in. It had stained glass windows and above them were smaller windows which were stained or colored in marbled bluish grey. This morning I felt as if I were looking out those windows. Most of the time I feel as if my skin and my eyes are stained glass and when someone looks at me they see only the color they are looking through. I like it this way because it really makes the real me invisible to the naked eye. I believe most of my survivor/victims brothers and sisters are blessed this way as well. It is a way to hide the damaged goods that reside beneath my skin. I am happy that I am finding myself more and more distant from life as i knew it a year ago. Time is of the essence for me as I work towards accomplishing my goals within this new life I am experiencing. My participation in events is minimal yet I am gathering artists for a new venue I am starting soon. New acquaintances have replaced the old and I am glad since they don't see my ghoulish soul beneath my skin. My stained glass skin comes in handy this way. I am looking for artists in the Canyon Lake area for an art show coming soon. Word, glass, metal, wood etc..... All are invited. The new poetry venue will be called Creek side PoeTree. Let me know if you have any questions.

Inner Strength

My daughter is everything I wish I could be. She is strong, beautiful, intelligent, caring, giving and independent.

Connections

Living in denial is a common reality show that we seem to abide by more than a religion or right.

Mistakes vs Learning Experiences

It's hard to tell the difference and most of the time there isn't any. In a previous blog when I was talking about voices I mentioned a song "I Hear Voices" and I gave credit to the wrong person when it should have been Chris Young that I gave the credit to instead of Tim McGraw. My mistake, I'm sorry.

Seeing Red

Happy Valentines Day!

I rode my bike this weekend and I managed to stay on. My wrist is sore since I removed the brace to ride. I was hoping my hurt would go away by now in more ways than one.

Falling Off

Finally I am feeling better from my fall last weekend. I had fallen off my bike and attempted to catch myself with my right hand. my right knee was scraped and bloodied while my hand took the weight and force of my body and believe me it's alot of weight for my wrist/hand to withstand. I went to see the doctor and they put me in a brace.

Voices

I have enjoyed listening to the song by Tim Mcgraw called "I Hear Voices" which is about the voices in the past. The truth is we all hear them and whether we listen to them or not is a choice we make on a daily basis.

Weight of Words

A blow to the face. A fist to the skull as I felt so many times before. Blackened eyes the color of my heart. The impact of words is equally as painful although bruises and physical pain does subside, eventually.

Comfort

I love my bed; it is the essence of me. It is where everything comes together like the sea/beach is to existence. Since I have my place in the Hill Country my bed sleeps over there.

Deliberate

It is a game we play. The mentality is not normal. Abuse made us this way.

Tonight

I am better now. Yesterday I had a rough day at work since I was still feeling sick.
There are things that happen in my life that remind me to climb out of the self pity abyss that tends to swallow me up often.

Weakness

I have been ill these last few days and haven't had the will or the strength to do anything. I am still feeling weak but I went outside today and rode my bike for a little while just for the fresh air. I did find out that dizziness and bike riding are not a good combination.

Advocacy

What makes you an advocate? Answer this question and respond to me either on this blog or by email josiemixon@live.com. There is no right or wrong answer.

To Forget

What we would do to forget those memories that makes us feel pain, cold and bitter. Those things that remind us why we should not trust, love or forgive. We wash in and out of these memories like the tide washes in and out of the shore.

5 K Run

Hi:

There's a 5k Run 4 Hope to support the Rape Crisis Center.
I'm going, but I'm walking.

Anyone want to go?

Just sign up at:

www.rapecrisis.com or

www.active.com

It's February 26th.

V Day Calendar 2011

VDAY San Antonio 2011

February Calendar of Events

100% of proceeds from events and sales go to The Rape Crisis Center for Children and Adults, P.E.A.C.E. Initiative, and Battered Women and Children’s Shelter of Bexar County

Wednesday February 2:  Can’t Beat Love Teen Dating Violence Video Contest

7 pm @ The Barshop Jewish Community Center, 12500 NW Military Hwy. Come out and see the winners of this PSA Dating Violence contest.  Free and Open to the public.

Saturday February 6:  Women’s ONLY Self Defense Seminar

11 am — 2pm @ Krav Maga Worldwide Regional Training Center, 100 Crossroads Blvd, San Antonio (near Gold’s Gym) www.krav-maga-san-antonio.com

Cost:  $20—to register call 348-6127 or register day of event.  Come out and learn to defend yourself in a dangerous situation.  Proceeds to benefit V-Day San Antonio 2011.

Monday February 7:  Chili’s Gives Back for V-Day  

4 pm – 11 pm @ Chili’s @ The Quarry.  Come out and support V-Day San Antonio by eating at your local neighborhood Chili’s, V-Day will get 10% of all orders!  Eat in or ToGo orders too!  Just mention that you are there to support V-Day San Antonio 2011 or bring a flyer!  For more information contact Danielle @ drominski@rapecrisis.com

Friday February 11: V-Day Poetry Slam

9 pm – 12 am @ Continental Cafe, 6390 Fairdale Drive, Cost: $5.  Come out and join local San Antonio poets as they vie against each other for good fun and good laughs!  For more info about the Poetry Slam go to www.2ndverse.net.  February’s theme is “Love”.

Tuesday February 15:  The Vagina Monologues—performance

            7:00 pm @ Sterling Houston Theatre @ Jump-Start, 108 Blue Star, San Antonio

Tickets:  $15 each or 2 for $25 or $10 for Military/Student/Non Profit ID

            Go to www.rapecrisis.com and buy your tickets or buy them the day of the show!

Wednesday February 16:  The Vagina Monologues—performance

            7:00 pm @ Sterling Houston Theatre @ Jump-Start, 108 Blue Star, San Antonio

            Tickets:  $15 each or 2 for $25 or $10 for Military/Student/Non Profit ID

            Go to www.rapecrisis.com and buy your tickets or buy them the day of the show!

Thursday February 17:  The Vagina Monologues—ALL SPANISH performance

            7:00 pm @ Sterling Houston Theatre @ Jump-Start, 108 Blue Star, San Antonio

Tickets:  $15 each or 2 for $25 or $10 for Military/Student/Non Profit ID

            Go to www.rapecrisis.com and buy your tickets or buy them the day of the show!

Friday  February 18:  Until the Violence Stops—documentary and Talk Back.

7 pm @ Guadalupe Coffee House.  Please join the UTSA’s SWACT to view this amazing documentary and bring your old cell phones and new packs of socks/underwear (all sizes) as admission.  Bring your questions or comments to ask reps from The RCC and FVPS.

Saturday  February 19:  V-Day Benefit Concert

8 pm @ San Anto Cafe & Concerts, 1150 South Alamo.  Come out and eat, drink and enjoy Northern Lights, Melissa Litwig, and The Nahualaltos.  Cover: $10.  Open to the public!

Friday February 25:  Violence in the Media how it supports a Rape and DV culture

9:00 am—12 noon @ AT & T Building on St. Mary’s Campus 

Join Presenter Rick Gipprich as he explores how multiple forms of media promote an acceptance of violence against women and girls. 3 CEU available for LPCs, LCDCs, Social Workers and Psychologists.  Cost: $20.  To register go to www.rapecrisis.com or call Debbi W @ 521-7273 or dwalker@rapecrisis.com.  Coffee and water will be provided.

Sponsored by Krav Maga Worldwide Training Centers, Sterling Houston Theater @ Jump-Start, San Anto Café & Concerts, Valerie Moreno-Morgan designs, 410 Printing

Clean Slate

The time has come to refocus on self. It is a difficult task yet it must be done. 2010 was an awful year. I experienced the most horrific pain I had ever felt next to my daughter's death. Today is her birthday which is quite ironic that I should begin posting on this day again. I had dinner tonight with my son and daughter in celebration of her birthday.