Expectations

I was planning to prepare for my reading for tomorrow night and instead worked on jewelry. I had a few orders to fill and I was able to get them all done.
I'm not nervous about tomorrow since I am not shy about speaking in front of a group its just hard to stand up there naked again. Here lately I feel as if I have been ready to strike at anything that moves. Since last week with my friend being ill I felt as if I allowed others to get too close to me and as soon as I realized it I shut down and honestly I am going to stay like this as long as needed. Right now I will strike out at anything or anyone who comes near me without my permission. It's the protective mode that we as survivors must always be ready to engage in at a moments notice. I let myself become relaxed and comfortable knowing very well the history and the selfishness of previous behavior. Just like my ex-husband made me feel guilty after he abused me I was doing the same thing to myself again. My heart was content and enjoying the freedom and the true emotions of a momentary weakness without guilt, regret or any empty promises attached then opened my eyes and found myself alone inside a tin can. My voice was unheard after calling out into the wind and even though my voice was carried into the beating drum within a waiting ear I was ignored, intentionally and all in the name of a hurtful and inconsiderate game. I refuse to stoop so low as to allow such childish behavior consume me as I have done in the past. Instead I have put my foot down and have said no more, game over. Too many hands have tightened their fingers around my throat and I cannot allow myself to be treated like crap anymore. This is not the list I would have ever wanted to place my soul mate under except the actions spoke louder and therefore I have no choice. Denial refuses to admit he cares otherwise it would make our love worthwhile. It's easier to tell a lie and pretend it isn't real. My mother always did that.