Familiar

All the places our lives take us seem to resemble each other. There is a feeling of being trapped in the past. We tend to repeat the same mistakes as before because we feel we are prone to failure. There is always a feeling of impending doom so therefore we must protect ourselves and in doing so we scare people away or do things that will ruin our relationships with others whether it be just friends or intimate relationships.
Today I am outspoken but yesterday I wasn't and there are days I want to stay in a cave (my bedroom) and never come out. I had not taken my meds all week and I was pretty stressed from work but I have taken them these last two days so that I may get as close to feeling normal as I can and lose that feeling of electrical impulses through my body. I feel I wear a mask most of the time and am able to keep most people at arms length. I have convinced many that my wounds are scabbed over mainly so they leave me alone. It is hard to go outside of the alpha and omega of love and you are the one and the other at the same time. A constellation is missing a star and therefore will never be complete unless a new constellation is born. I of course, would have to be actively searching for one and I can't if I am busy staring at the one I hold in my hand which takes up the space between my fingers and between night and day. So yes, I am living in the past in many ways and I like it here. It is that place where I am secure only because I know it so well and it knows me, the alpha and omega of love.