Control

If we are spiritual we seek refuge in the god that we honor or praise and constantly thank Him when we feel it's a "God Thing". As survivors of abuse we tend to question it especially when we are in pain. As always, I will use myself as an example because of my experiences with abuse. I was angry with God for so long. I was born into a Catholic family and attended Catholic School in Mission, Texas at Our Lady of Guadalupe School. Plus I lived a block away from school so not being spiritual was never even a thought. When my family was broken due to infidelity I believed He left too. My mother hated me and my life went downhill from there. Broken promises between my parents not only trickled down to the children but also paved our futures.
My questions between then and now were as follows. Where was God when my mother held a knife to my throat and told me she hated me and that I was no longer her daughter? Where was He when a relative lay on top of my 11/12 year old body? Where was He when my daughter died at almost two years old? Where was He when my marriage failed due to abuse? Where was He when when my heart was ripped from my soul and drowned in an ocean of betrayal? Today I believe all of this and more has been my cross to bear. I hated Him with a passion and I must admit that a part of me still does and also questions His existence. I had to survive my past in order to be here today. I had to crawl up the devils back bone so that I could be waiting for you at the top as a survivor. My feeling is that if there is a God He and I, we are going to have words and my first question will be "what were you thinking?". I don't discuss religion or politics for a reason so I hope I am not offending anyone and if I am I apologize if I have offended you. My experiences with abuse have made me who I am today. The other side of this is that at the top of the devils backbone there was a hand reaching out and waiting for me. I have fallen recently and have now stood back up although I didn't want to and selfishly considered taking the easy way out but I missed my boat. He doesn't let things happen to us; we let things happen to us over and over again until we say stop. We have always had the power yet found all the reasons why we shouldn't instead of why we could. It's a "me thing" and I believe we all have the strength within us we just have to look between the folds of shame and pain.