Love

I have spent about two days upset about my friend Carolyn who has been undergoing chemotherapy for her illness five times a week.
I was supposed to come over and see her today after work. She answered the phone late this afternoon and her voice was weak yet she was glad to hear from me. We have to reschedule our visit until she is strong enough to not be susceptible to sickness. I believe I have worn my heart out on my sleeve since I first learned she was ill except I have done a great job at keeping my feelings a secret until this week. When I didn't hear from her after multiple phone calls and messages of course I expected the worse. I have known her for a few years now and our meeting was due to an invitation by a local artist to appear in a collection of photographs which were going to be part of an exhibit at Bihl House Gallery. Carolyn at that time was the head docent of the senior apartment complex where this gallery is situated and she was one of the hosts who greeted the patrons as they arrived. I signed up for their email list and soon became a regular attending poetry readings, exhibits and other events at Bihl House. One day I was conducting a class (workshop) there for students from Northwest Vista College and as always Carolyn was there as the wonderful hostess providing drinks and snacks for all of us. I gave the students a writing assignment and Carolyn decided to participate from her chair behind the refreshment table. That was the day she wrote her first poem and has referred to me as her muse since then making me feel honored to have helped guide her writing energy along. She writes beautiful poetry and has an amazing voice. We have shared moments outside of writing with dinners, drinks and as she says "visiting the ole watering hole". I don't have many friends mostly by choice and I feel my relationship with Carolyn is very strong. When she learned of my suicide attempt from last February she was very hurt and did not hesitate to tell me. Since then our bond has been tighter although I don't see her as much as I would like. She told me as soon as she is done with this cancer shit we are going out and having drinks and I promised her that we would. I have learned that this is how I want to be loved, like she loves me and I like I love her. Genuine love is the when you can love someone else more than you love yourself and when you truly love someone genuinely there is nothing stronger, deeper or more rewarding. Love completely, eternally. Love someone more than you love yourself.

I find it best to remain in solitude as my heart continues to blister with pain. Emotions are raw and my fear of crying is clawing my insides as it attempts to release. I refuse to give in to this weakness. If you need me I will be inside.