It Matters

Last night I looked at myself through different eyes. The ones I wore over a year ago and the image before me was horrific. Since my nervous breakdown I have been dealing with the depression and it seems I have been in hibernation. I have cared about nothing and nobody except for my immediate family. I went to work because I had to and paid attention to nothing else. Soon I began feeling the need to hide under the folds of the hills so I fled to the Texas Hill Country. I made myself feel good on the inside by satisfying my desire. I stare into everything by looking at the beautiful full curves of the Hill Country.
I discussed with my therapist how I hated looking at myself when just months before I took great pride in making myself look good. I had a reason to dress up, put make up on and I was content that he was proud to have me on his arm. I have suffered from low self esteem all my life and for eight months I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Wow, such confidence huh. I know what I had and I will never deny the emotion and pride that came with the satisfaction of feeling loved to the point of feeling beautiful. It was such a beautiful feeling. My depression worsened and I was numb to myself and the rest of the world. The weight was coming off due to the fact I did not have an appetite. I never saw myself thin until I looked at some pictures that were taken of me after I woke up from the coma my depression had placed me in except by then I was bigger. I was given a full size mirror as therapy to help me look at myself. I tried it then just covered it up. I still cannot stand to look in it. Last night I took pictures of myself naked. Not pornographic just pictures of my skin and I was so unhappy. I look and feel awful. Please don't get me wrong, I am trying to lose it its just not happening fast enough for me. I have never been thin nor do I want to be thin I just want to be content. I do not ask for much. What feeds my soul doesn't come in small packages it comes from within and it glows in the moonlight under starry skies. I am in a battle with myself as I struggle to get myself in front of that mirror again. One day.