Forgiven

I always have felt this word is used blindly.
When I would tell my story of sexual abuse people would tell me I NEEDED to forgive not only my abuser but also my mother for her part in the abuse. She ignored my cries for help because she was angry with me for "telling on her" when she was cheating on my father. Her biggest concern when she learned I was pregnant was that the father might be her boyfriend because she saw "the way he looked at me". I am 47 years old and my mother died four years ago. I confronted my sexual abuser two years ago and he pretty much blamed me once I pointed out it was abuse. He seemed to think I was there on a date with him. This email is in response to a question (email) I received about forgiveness of my ex bf. My ex-husband who physically, verbally and emotionally abused me never felt he needed my forgiveness and therefore never asked. When my daughter died I was angry and hurt and believed that if there was a God He was a cruel one and forgiveness wasn't an option. I don't know anymore what truth is because lies are so intentional and as easy as breathing for some people. I decided that I hoped there truly is a God so that I may have an opportunity to see my daughter again so I forgave Him. Then came the trauma of a broken heart. You ask "why did you break up if you loved each other so much?" He physically cheated on me with another woman during the time in our relationship when he was asking me to take that chance and let myself fall in love with him. He was out of town and I had traveled to the valley to confront my relative who was my sexual abuser when I was a child. My heart was crushed and my mind in shock from the confrontation and I was very vulnerable. I opened my heart and let him in finally extinguishing resistance and caution because I believed he was the one. While he was traveling I waited for him to come home while planning a surprise for him to welcome him home so that he would know that I had fallen in love with him. It was well received and life and love for us grew rapidly and deeply. Long story short, while he was gone he slept with another woman. He justified it by saying it was ok because it was already planned before he and I had even met or got together although it happened during our relationship. I didn't learn of this until Christmas Eve, six months into our relationship. I have posted my indiscretion that he uncovered while going through my emails and listening to my voice mail at work. My ex and I sometimes kept in touch as friends and at times I was deceived by a mutual friend who would invite us both to her house then pretend it was a coincidence that we were both there. We were all there to make jewelry and we did. My ex knew about my bf whom I bragged about constantly. The text messages and emails continued and I even told him about them. His response was that most of the time it takes a year to finally let everything go. My heart was his without a doubt in my mind. In the end he confronted me with emails and voice messages and I denied a relationship. I did have one except it wasn't a sexual or intimate one in anyway. I wanted to marry him one day and had no intentions of giving up what I had with him. Forgiveness is a four letter word and I used it. After deep thought I focused on the love and the happiness I was experiencing. I decided nothing and nobody else mattered and I put my pride aside and forgave him for his sexual relationship. He was not able to forgive me, I wasn't worth loving more then his own pride. I forgave him for what he did and he couldn't forgive me for what he thought I did. We have never had this conversation only exchanged emails because of pride and denial and forgiveness isn't an option.