Tonight

I am better now. Yesterday I had a rough day at work since I was still feeling sick.
There are things that happen in my life that remind me to climb out of the self pity abyss that tends to swallow me up often.
Nobody puts me there I seem to lean in that direction. I want to be better and stronger than that. I will leave that for the selfish and self centered people who have yet to learn what caring, respect and love mean. My friend Danielle came to see me yesterday to bring me promotional items for V Day San Antonio. I am reminded here again what my existence is about. I am working with a group of students to help promote awareness for sexual abuse and domestic violence at my place of work. Last week I received a copy of the latest book by Dr. Ana Nogales. Part of my story and some of my poetry was published in her book. I have gone public with my story to help others find their voice or even use mine to begin their journey towards healing. After reading my section in the book I felt sad and upset because while it is my story and it is what happened in my life there were details which were left out or enhanced. As a writer I understand the value of a word for cause and effect but I just can't help but feel betrayed by the promise of getting my story out by someone who wrote my pain word per word. The story of my life does not need to be under heated lamps to make the reader feel anger or heated anger; it speaks for itself. My memoirs sit in darkness under a blanket of spiderwebs. My friend, my partner, my soul mate and I had joined hands, hearts and souls in an effort to write my story and help bring justice to all the victims and survivors of abuse. Our selfishness and lack of love for each other resulted in the demise of the project. We failed and when we had the opportunity to remedy our situation we chose childish pride over love. It is a lesson learned. When one door closes another one opens and life is defined in a more prominent way. The way of truth and sincerity which is the window that I am looking out of today. While each one of us has a different story to tell and each one of us tells it our own way, the facts remain the same. Yes, my story is real and my life will always be the outcome of the abuse I experienced except now I have a choice as to what I will do with that experience and I choose to stand naked before the world to let my voice and yours be heard. Love is found in the tears and voices of winged stars that call my name when they let their voice be heard. I heard a song on the radio today which I have always considered so sincere and so real and sometime back I heard it on the radio as I sat trying to decide if I should put out the candle of caution. I felt it was the "sign" and therefore I took a leap of faith only to fall through the arms of unconditional love. Pain is necessary to realize what it is that is important to us. How much value we place on love is decided on a moments notice. Yes, we all make mistakes and being able to speak out and admit our faults is a show of strength not weakness. We must be able to place pride aside and love before everything then we shall be complete. Knowing and wanting to be a better "man" is the answer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C00ffeNR5zw&feature=related