Deliberate

It is a game we play. The mentality is not normal. Abuse made us this way.
We tell you we love you yet we worry you may hurt us like it was done before by the one who also claimed to love us. It is a feeling of impending doom. It is unfortunate that good people pay the price for our insecurities and abusers give love a bad name. Our abuser has abused you too. Then there are those who know your story and decide you just need to get over it and shake it off as if it were a cramp or a cold. I wish I could forget. I think about it more often than I ever say. I still feel guilty for "letting" the abuse happen. For letting my cousin touch me over and over again. I was 11 when it started and it continued off and on until I eloped at 16 years old. Of course not as often as I got older. My flesh was not as youthful as preferred by my cousin. My mother died three years ago and when she died I saw several relatives who I had not seen since before I had eloped. I am 47 today and was 44 when she died. Several of my cousins and I exchanged contact information which I probably crumbled and disposed of knowing I did not want to see or hear from them again. The relative who raped me was not at the funeral although he was from her side of the family. One of my cousins contacted me a couple of weeks later. He called and said how happy he was to see me. He also mentioned he had a crush on me as we were growing up and decided he would like to pursue his interest. He told me he had Googled my name and read my story and felt so bad he hadn't helped me. Then came the bombshell when he began making sexual advances towards me not only by phone but also through  emails. I asked him to stop and even told my family about it and just like when I was a little girl nobody listened. A month ago he emailed me again at work from his work and I responded telling him to not ever contact me again and I copied my family (brothers) on it. My youngest brother stepped up to the plate and said he would take care of it. I never heard from my older brother. I am not surprised because we are still supposed to be hush about these type of things and not talk about them out loud. Bullshit! Those days are over. My cousin made sexual advances towards me because he read about my past. How the hell does someone do or say these things? How can he think this way? I still feel shame about my experiences and I know it will never go away. As far as feeling secure is concerned it will probably never happen. My past is filled with broken promises. Right now I feel I am finally on the right path and want to feel secure so bad yet my past continues to peek through the blinds. I will expose any and all who have hurt me because I do not want to be a victim anymore. I'm tired of all the crap we have to deal with and I am tired of domestic violence taking a back burner unless the person dies or they are a celebrity. When are we going to see purple ribbons and teal colored ribbons all year round promoting awareness for these issues? Yes, I am frustrated and angry because people hide behind unspoken words. You love me? You hate me? Stop being a coward and tell me just remember I am a survivor and I do not stand alone nor does shame ever hold me back! I have survived sexual abuse as a child, domestic violence, the death of a child, being estranged from my family, divorce, separation, name calling, judgement...etc...and I will survive you!