Clean Slate

The time has come to refocus on self. It is a difficult task yet it must be done. 2010 was an awful year. I experienced the most horrific pain I had ever felt next to my daughter's death. Today is her birthday which is quite ironic that I should begin posting on this day again. I had dinner tonight with my son and daughter in celebration of her birthday.
She died on December 21st/22nd of 1980 and was buried Christmas Eve. It is time to celebrate life rather than mourn the past as if it could be changed. Last year I decided I didn't believe in love because of my broken heart. I spent months dwelling on my pain and what I should have done to make things different when in fact I should have focused on the fact that I was still acting like a victim of abuse. Not trusting, being suspicious and always waiting to get the rug pulled out from under me. I blamed myself for my actions and admitted my faults when in fact it was December 24th 2010 when I realized or learned I had been deceived with love. I blamed myself because as usual I was not enough. Even with the "you do it for me" remarks I heard still under that tongue was the varmint of deceit. I am a survivor of abuse both sexual and physical. I spent more than half of my life as a victim because I didn't know any better. The person I deceived was not the one who broke my heart instead it was the person who was given false hope. Pride is the only thing that mattered to that individual. December 24th, 1980 I buried my daughter and a part of me died that day. On December 24th, 2009 I lost another part of me when I learned he had cheated during our relationship and I spiraled down into a world of destruction. For every action there is a reaction. I learned I wasn't who I thought I was. I thought I was the love of his life as he was to me. So I began to destroy myself and I spiraled into an abyss of hatred and despair. I felt sorry for myself. I begged, pleaded and professed my love to deaf ears and a cold heart. He was hurt and angry because I lead my ex on with the hope of maybe continuing the passed relationship. He knew all along I was still getting texts and voice messages because I told him. He conveniently forgot. I was with him almost 24/7 and when I did see my ex it was to bead, shop or lunch. Never ever for anything else. He did not believe me because he was judging based on his own standards and he read not only my yahoo email messages but also my work email. It was not his heart that was hurt it was his pride. I continued my relationship with him after learning he had been unfaithful because I loved him so much, so deeply and so complete that I felt I could forgive him because he too was so in love with me. I was wrong it was himself he loved more than he could ever love me. My self destruction continued from having a nervous breakdown to giving up on evryone around me especially myself. I am still dealing with my actions. I was again a victim of abuse this time causing my own abuse. I attempted to take my own life and have lived to regret it everyday. I continue the healing process and have surrounded my self with my family to help with my healing. I take anti-depressants and have taken a needed break from my advocacy. I am asking and perhaps begging for a clean slate so that I may continue my work and so that I do not repeat the cycle of abuse. I do not give my permission to be abused. Now I want to lose some of this weight I have gained so that maybe I can start liking myself again. If I had a choice I would come home everyday and crawl under a blanket and just go to sleep. Still, every night before I go to sleep and every morning when I awaken I still have peace, love and poetry imprinted on my shoulder.