Clarity

It is difficult to visualize a place without darkness or deception when it is all you know. I find myself slowly returning to a place where I am comfortable speaking my mind rather than hiding behind pride.
We are upset and anger when others aren't truthful yet we sit in denial all day and night long. People of played games with me all of my life using me constantly and I allowed it to happen. First as a child I had no control yet as an adult I did and still do although for awhile I lost everything including self respect. I was sexually abused by a cousin even was pregnant at 13 by him. I was physically abused by my ex-husband. My daughter died right before she turned two years old and we buried her on Christmas Eve. The physical abuse continued for 14 years because I let it. Of course I didn't know it wasn't supposed to be this way. My past didn't tell me otherwise. My parents separated when I was 9 years old because of me. Because I told my father my mother was cheating on him. At the time I was merely "helping" my mother since she was confused about where and with who we had been. Either way they separated and never got back together again. She cheated and blamed me. Held a knife to my throat and told me she hated me and said I would never be her daughter again. She held her ground with me making sure I would never forget those words and I have not. My father left us not just my mother, he left us too. I have not forgiven them for what they did and why should I since the past will not change if I do and it sure as hell won't make me feel any better about it. My mother has been gone now for almost 4 years. My ex I assume has found peace with himself and I guess good for him. The baby I had at 14 yo had been given away for adoption and now he and I have reunited. We are mother and son as in the beginning. I have two other wonderful children who love their mom unconditionally and for that I am grateful. I realize you have heard some or most of this story before and some of you email me asking me questions about some of these events which I do not mind at all. My life is an open book and I will answer any and all questions. Originally this story was a secret filled with shame and hurt. When I found my voice and told my story out loud other victims and survivors of abuse held onto it and used my strength as their own. I never new that me telling my own story would help others which is why I chose to allow someone to write my story. I wanted my real story out there not the one we read from someone with letters following their name who read about abuse and is now an expert on it. I was being recorded as the plans were in progress for my biography. He prepared questions and recorded them with my responses as we went along. He transcribed them in preparation for this book. We ran into some problems when we discovered that legally we could not use any names or real places to tell this story which I feel is bullshit because the events which led me to where I am today are real and not fictitious in any way. I even confronted my sexual abuser whom I had not seen since I was a little girl. That meeting put an end to my re-occurring nightmares and other anxieties in my life. Nobody will ever know just how much that meeting affected me. I feared for my life that day since I did not know how he was going to react towards me. I carried a recorder in my pocket just in case something happened. Two people have listened to that recording and only one of them actually has tried helping me through it. My biography came to an end due to stupidity. I poured my heart out more than you or anyone could have imagined and it was done for nothing. Nothing! This person who heard my story never listed to it instead allowed pride to hold the pen away from the paper. My story will never be written or heard because I know I can't ever trust like that again. I was a fool for believing that someone could be that committed to me. The devastation was not in truth it was in pride. The humiliation cam from within. If you know my story I mean really know it then all of it to this day would make sense instead is a story of fool's gold. This is why it hurts so much. This is why over a year later the wound still oozes. Betrayal .......