Defense

It is a defense mechanism that often snaps back when I am in protective mode which seems to be on all the time.

Rejection

Not today. Just not in the mood to reject myself.

Create

It is rewarding to create. Both writing poetry and creating jewelry are extensions of my healing. I have setbacks which will re-open wounds that I had hoped were gone.

Friend/Sister

She was with me tonight. My best friend of over 25 years. We held each other and applied ice on each others wounds so many years ago. Even cried together until we laughed. She is the reason I have a voice and speak for those who can't or won't. Tonight she brought me a gift which is so significant to our lives as friends and sisters. The bracelet below was one of the gifts and the other was a shawl symbolizing the same thing. It had the awareness logo on it too. She means the world to me and is as constant in my life as my children. This is love.

Remembering

I went for so long without purpose, without any reason for my existence that when I finally had an image of my own it felt unusual.

Maybe

This feels as if I am no longer a survivor of sexual abuse because I was never a victim. I did not realize how much I leaned on the Rape Crisis Center. It was rape because Danielle too saw it as rape. I still have her DVD "Until the Violence Stops" which is a documentary of survivors of sexual and domestic abuse. She said for me to hang on to it and hopefully I can give it to her later under a different umbrella.

Unknown

I'm not quite sure how to take this or how I should feel. That's the problem with those of us who are not mentally stable when something in our environment changes we don't know how to feel. Routine always feels better because we know what is coming next.

Clarity

It is difficult to visualize a place without darkness or deception when it is all you know. I find myself slowly returning to a place where I am comfortable speaking my mind rather than hiding behind pride.

Change

Nobody likes change. We have fear of the unknown and we do not like feeling uncomfortable.

Discrimination

It changes on a day to day basis. I mean my level of survival. If I don't think about those things that bring me down I am OK.