Weight of Words

A blow to the face. A fist to the skull as I felt so many times before. Blackened eyes the color of my heart. The impact of words is equally as painful although bruises and physical pain does subside, eventually.
 Thoughts and memories send vibrations that can easily bring that pain back within selfish thoughts yet the pain of devastating words will always bleed profusely. I cried for years when he said I was too short, hair was too curly and if my eyes weren't brown I would be beautiful. The three things I could not change about myself. yet today I know this trinity of failure before his eyes has brought me courage and strength. My mirror echoes those words everyday of my life. For a few months last year the voice faded then returned louder than ever before. Words leave a heavier impact when they are lies. That is the heaviest my words have ever been; when I lied. They were made heavier at the hands of judgement based on self-denial and assumption. Therefore having the same impact as a fist. My parents split up because my mother cheated on my father and when my father brought it up she denied it. I have played that scene in my head all my life since not only was I there when it happened but I was the cause of this revelation. My father asked where we (mother and I) had been and with who and I said the truth. Mother denied it and called me a liar and had me leave the room. She panicked and denied and lied. The impact of those words resulted in my father leaving us. Not just my mother but all of us (4 kids). I have never forgiven either one of them and instead of forgiving them I became them. When confronted with truth and innuendo I panicked and ran. I should have stayed and told the truth. The truth was different than the accusation while the accusation was based on the morals of guilt. Still the weight of my words were devastating. I did not do what I was accused of yet I panicked when the covers were pulled back. My parents demise was cheating and so was mine. My words cheated me out of love. Pretense and the attempt to save one heart strangled two instead. In the end I learned it was intentionally done because for every action there is a reaction and that reaction was expected upon impact for the sake of revenge of a lonely, selfish heart. Pretending to be in a relationship that did not exist was the lie all wrapped up in the weight of words both written and oral. Yet my heart never ever went astray nor did my thoughts. Lack of trust buried me. Selfish thoughts based on the morals of a cheat were my judge and jury and I never was given the opportunity to speak face to face and speak into the eyes of love. The eyes would have told the story pure and simple and without judgement. The weight of those words without premeditated notions, denial or assumption would have had a different outcome especially because a person who knows me, really knows me would know better. I was guilty of protecting not cheating yet the weight of those words, the weight of denial was heavier then the hands of lust on another ones body. Denial, guilt and the justification behind it have the impact of a fist pounding a skull. Words leave unremovable cuts, bruises and scars. Lesson learned?